Another Year, Another Goodbye

Something I wrote on the plane yesterday...

It's painful to leave a place behind, but it's even more painful to leave people you love along with it. This Singapore trip to come see my sister & her family is a little different from my others, thanks in large part to the companionship of my closest friend (and lack thereof, of my usual travel-buddies: other siblings). We packed, we flew, we saw, we hugged, we laughed, we shopped, we experienced, we cried, then sadly, we left.

Ultimately, my posts regarding Singapore all boil down to the parting. I've described it by many ways in the past, and while all are accurate, no words will ever be enough to describe the gut-wrenching, pit-falling, heart-squeezing stab of pain you experience every time you part with someone you love.

I thought today would be easier, and maybe, in some ways, it was. I thought that by leaving early in the morning, with almost no room, no time for stretched-out and prolonged goodbyes, with no bonding moments and memories from that day itself, it would be less painful and less teary. But like ripping off a bandaid, sharp, immediate and instantaneous, the stab of pain is surprising, cutting off your air in that perfect moment of exhaling. You choke on a sob, and flashes of trying to get your head above sea water comes to mind. There is a mad dash and scramble with your composure and just when you think you've reigned it in, your face scrunches up in that ugly crying face that can soften even the hardest of hearts.

I guess that is what happens when you rip off the bandaid before the wound turns into a scab; when you expose the opened, bruised, and scratched tissues of yourself. There is a dark sickly taste of rust in your mouth as the wind glides over the wound. Right now, ripped away long before I am ready, my nose is filled with snot, my eyes look like red saucers or tomatoes, my mouth tastes salty tears, I feel the pang of hurt in my opened heart. But as I fly home, with memories that'll have to do for now, my closest friend sleeping soundly beside me in the plane, and my sister's, brother-in-law's, and niece's voices still fresh in my ear, I take with me the comfort of Drei's words: There are no goodbyes, just see you laters.

So mommy Mai, kuya Vince, and Ally... I'll see you later.

Words from my brother in law

2011 Blues
From Vincent Tutay to the Pamandanans.

Every year when we get back from our trip to "Neverland" we get into a flurry of unpacking, and with a hoarder of a daughter and a pack-rat of a wife, believe me, unpacking can make the best of the grand mother packers run for cover ;)

But after all that is done, there's this feeling of restlessness. I can't help but feel like we've forgotten something. And after realizing that the faintest scent of (Rocket, Nana, Kiwi, Angus &) cigarette smoke is just you longing for something you seem to have forgotten, that you feel what Essa says is a blunt and rusty knife thrust straight into your heart...



something like the strange feeling you get staring out of the windows of an A320. Trying to make sense of the urban jungle below, trying to find something familiar before the clouds cover them completely, and when finally all you see are clouds, you remember all the things you promised yourself you'd do before waking up from this fantastic dream.

Saying an extra thank you for that awesome new xmas gift you got, or an extra reassuring squeeze on the shoulder, a joke you forgot to share, a laugh you forgot to give or even simply giving an extra hug. Each little thing feels like a knife thrust and you delude yourself into thinking, if i could see even just the house one more time, everything will be much easier to bear, and you'd be able to reassure a certain little one that it's okay to cry. But it doesn't get easier. The clouds inevitably close in.



So im trying something new this time 'round, let's welcome the new year remembering the words you remembered to say, the laughter and the jokes you did share, those random small moments in the car ride like singing (off key) together, sharing a sandwich together, sharing a life together even if it was just a little more than 3 weeks. Let's also welcome the new year looking forward to making new moments like the ones we just shared. Like Blu said a few days back, it seems like the rest of the year, we spend most of it working towards just these handful of moments we never fail to have. And hopefully this year, we'll all be blessed enough to spend and share more of these trips to "Neverland".

"Our lives are made, in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate."

Happy 2011! We miss all of you to bits (more like a gazillion tiny bits), and will be thinking about each and everyone of you everyday 'til we get to see each other again.

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So wonderfully said. I love you guys. I miss you already.

Happy 2011!