Sunday, April 5, 2009

Good cop, bad cop.

Most days, I feel like I am/ act/ play the role of the bad cop -- the narrow-minded one. The one whose honesty is so stark, it becomes very difficult to listen to, almost completely deafening in my judgment of others. I feel like it alienates me, defines me fully as someone who is not exactly the easiest to get along with. And then I hear stories from people I've warned about the things I have warned them with, and I have this annoying feeling of superiority. "I told you so", I think. "You should have listened to me", I want to say. Annoying because while I gloat, I know that the people I care about are hurting. Not a very good sport, am I?

Sometimes, I feel like I've become the worst version of myself. Like a pandora's box of all the hateful things - my anger, my spite, my judgment, my arrogance, my condescension - has sprung open. Something upsets you and instead of smiling and walking away, you purposely hurt them. You take pleasure in the form of insulting someone, without thinking things through. And then after saying what you want to say at the exact moment you want to say it, remorse inevitably follows.

Today, for example. I wake up to my bestfriend hugging me and crying. I get up, body on alert, and ask her what happened. She carefully recounts the events that transpired, leading up to her breaking up with her boyfriend. While she cries, a part of me inside is screaming "I KNEW IT! Didn't I warn you? Didn't I tell you?!". As I sit there, idly listening to her rant and cry and belittle her existence by relying her happiness on another person, this completely different person takes over and she just feels smug about the fact that once again, she was right. I try to search for something comforting to say, just to make my bestfriend feel better, but what I get instead are a string of insults I'd rather not mention. I find that instead of being sympathetic, I feel condescending. I feel like she isn't using her head, and probably had this coming.

It's not a very good feeling. It sometimes comes off as feeding on other people's mistakes and misery.

In the midst of it all, I wonder -- am I too harsh on other people, when what I expect of them is only what I extract from myself? Am I too demanding and too judgmental? No, don't answer that. I'm not looking for the answer. I just wanted to send that cosmic quesiton out to the void. So goodnight, dear void...

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