Saturday, November 26, 2011

Sharing Is Caring: SHIRTS

Hi Everyone! Here's the ORDER FORM for the Sharing is Caring shirts! I'll post a size chart shortly. (:

Email Address:
Contact Number:

Ordered from:
Essa Loiss Jewel


Dreamers & Realists

“There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not, the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.”

Friday, November 25, 2011

A Response

A response to a blog post that my friend, Criela, wrote regarding Contemporary Relationships. (Read it HERE)

In a generation of adult infants as weary and indolent as ours, it's easy to blame laziness and sluggishness as the cause and root of all of our problems. Romance is dead; people just don't have the time, nor energy, nor effort to participate in such an archaic and antiquated practice.

Personally, I don't see that. Everyday I look at the world, and while I observe that it is harsher and crueler than it used to be, I am constantly amazed by just how much love and romance has pushed the boundaries of society in our boundless, endless, infinite world. The hate and violence that clouds us is not even a tenth of just how much love has enveloped our surroundings. Often we catch glimpses of it, yet just because it is not dignified, or refined, or newsworthy, we let it slide off of us like silk to skin. Like warm butter.

Romance in the 21st century is not the stuff of girlish dreams anymore. It is not princes and castles, it is no longer duels and battles, no longer John Cusack holding a boombox in his shoulder. Romance has become subjective. Gone are the days of ultimatums and challenges. To idealize that in your head is delusion, and brings about stretches of loneliness. However, just because romance has changed doesn't make it any less romantic.

No doubt, chivalry and romance has made way for humping and dumping. We are the fast-food generation. We can get anything we want at the click of a button. Why buy the cow when you can order just the milk and have it delivered to your doorstep? Why put in effort when it is eagerly given sans work? This paved the way to branches and sub-categories of relationships. None of us signed the form, but we knew it was coming, and no one complained.

With the myriad of "Contemporary Relationships" being practiced these days, it's hard not to fall in that trap with somebody. And yes, that's difficult. Yes, that's painful. Yes, sometimes you want to pull your hair out as you deal with this gut-wrenching emptiness and anxiety over where you stand, who you are, what you mean to this person. Yes, this void of despair and uncertainty claws at you until your skin has bled dry from all the scratch marks, the dna of which still under the deepest recesses of your nails. The loneliness, the bitter remarks, the eventual building of this virtually impenetrable wall, the grief, the distress, the apprehension... it's all there. And yes, usually, it's the females who go through this. But this I can say for certain: the blame cannot rest on the man's shoulders. That is unfair.

I am a firm believe of people being treated the way they deserve to be treated. I will allow that this does not hold true for those dealing with true-to-life mentally unstable human beings. No, I'm not talking about the depressives and neurotics, I'm talking about those sociopaths and psychopaths and murderers who are not capable of rational thought. I believe that if you find all guys are treating you like crap, you probably treat other people like crap. If you find guys treating you like a whore, then you must be a whore. You cannot preach to looking for guys who are searching for more than a short skirt while wearing a short skirt yourself. That's like bombing for peace, or screwing for virginity. It is hypocritical to the highest level. It is pretense embodied. It is duplicity epitomized.

A man will not wine and dine someone who presents herself in a way that makes him think she is not that type of person. A man will not romance a lady who does not need to be romanced. A man will not tread carefully around someone who is giving off come hither looks. I had thought that by now, this would be obvious. If you're the type of person who dreams of love that spans years and continents, love that endures bloodshed and politics, love that withstands plagues and disease, you cannot be the type of person who basks in the attention of many. You have to be content with just capturing the eyes, the soul, the heart of this one special person.

You cannot sanctify kisses when you are so eager to give yours out yourself. I'm sick and tired of all these women complaining and bemoaning men yet refuse to see or accept that the problem may lie within their own self. Recognize that you might be the problem and maybe you might find that that was exactly what you needed to get you to where you want to go. Be open to the possibility that the times have changed not the men, but the women.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Devil's Double

I've always been a fan of movies that take a deep plunge into the dangerous and often unstable recesses of the minds of drug addicts and criminals. It has been an interest of mine from very early on, having been brought up around films like Goodfellas, Scarface, Reservoir Dogs, The Godfather, The Usual Suspects, Pulp Fiction, A Clockwork Orange, Trainspotting, Requiem For A Dream, Kids, Less Than Zero, and the like. So when I first heard of The Devil's Double, a peek into the unflinchingly lurid life of debauchery and immorality of Saddam Hussein's eldest son, Uday, and the man forcibly recruited to play his body double, I was giddy with excitement. Thankfully, the movie doesn't disappoint. Dominic Cooper's turn as both the sadistic sociopath Uday and Latif, a "good man with a bad job", must be applauded! Fantastic!

And was it just me or did anyone else see inspiration from Al Pacino's Tony Montana in Scarface whenever Uday was on screen?

Summoned from the frontline to Saddam Hussein's palace, Iraqi army lieutenant Latif Yahia (Dominic Cooper) is thrust into the highest echelons of the "royal family" when he's ordered to become the 'fiday' - or body double - to Saddam's son, the notorious "Black Prince" Uday Hussein (also Dominic Cooper), a reckless, sadistic party-boy with a rabid hunger for sex and brutality. With his and his family's lives at stake, Latif must surrender his former self forever as he learns to walk, talk and act like Uday. But nothing could have prepared him for the horror of the Black Prince's psychotic, drug-addled life of fast cars, easy women and impulsive violence.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Pay It Forward

I've seen bits and pieces of this film in the past but I've never gotten the chance to finish it. Holy crap, that ending was so uncool. However, while this is one of the most emotionally manipulating films I've ever seen in my life, the power house performances of Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt, and Haley Joel Osment, coupled with the astounding message of the film (which is to do a good deed and ask that the favor not be paid to you, but to a third party) is enough to make me love this film. It is to be noted that I cried buckets while watching this so grab some kleenex!

A young boy stumbles upon a simple way to change the world in this drama. Trevor (Haley Joel Osment) is a bright 11-year-old boy who comes from a troubled home; his mother Arlene (Helen Hunt) is an alcoholic trying to hold down two jobs to support her son, while Trevor's father (Jon Bon Jovi) left his family behind some time ago. At school, Trevor's class is introduced to their new social studies teacher, Mr. Simonet (Kevin Spacey), a guarded man with severe facial scars. Simonet gives his class an unusual assignment -- think up a practical way to make the world a better place, and put it into action. Trevor comes up with the notion of "Pay It Forward" -- do a needed favor for three different people without being asked, and then ask them to do the same for three others. Trevor starts by letting Jerry (James Caviezal), a junkie living on the streets, stay in his home. Next, he tries to fix Arlene up with Mr. Simonet, since both seem to be lonely and the clean and sober teacher might help Arlene stay away from alcohol. Finally, he tries to rescue one of his schoolmates, who is constantly tormented by bullies. Meanwhile, journalist Chris Chandler (Jay Mohr) finds himself stuck on the road without a car late one night when a man stops and give him the keys to a new car, asking him only to pay the favor forward to someone else; astonished, Chris wants to find out where this philosophy came from. Based on the novel by Catherine Ryan Hide.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Invention Of Lying

Not everyone is able to appreciate the subtle hilarity of a film such as this but personally, I'm a sucker for all things snarky, biting, self-deprecating, and sarcastic. I love the satirical atheism which the film is centered on, as well as the back-handed comments on just how much stock people put in good looks out of pure lack of depth. I'm surprised so many people missed how everyone seemed to focus on the physical appearance, even when they acknowledge just how many other fantastic traits the subject of their scorn has.

It's a world where everyone tells the truth - and just about anything they're thinking. Mark Bellison is a screenwriter, about to be fired. He's short and chunky with a flat nose - a genetic pool that means he won't get to first base with Anna, the woman he loves. At a bank, on the spur of the moment he blurts out a fib, with eye-popping results. Then, when his mother's on her deathbed, frightened of the eternal void awaiting her, Mark invents fiction. The hospital staff overhear his description of Heaven, believe every word, and tell others. Soon Mark is a prophet, his first inventive screenplay makes him rich, and he's basically a good guy. But will that be enough for Anna?

When Harry Left Hogwarts

I don't think there'll ever be a time when Harry Potter doesn't make me laugh or cry, feel happy or sad.


No more reason to go on, to be honest.

Worst Reactions P.1

If you've ever had one of those "I can totally see where this is going" moments followed inevitably by those "called it" moments, then you know that there are times in life when you know something is bound to happen, and even if all clues support your theory, and you feel it down to the marrow of your bones, you can't help but wish "don't happen, don't happen, don't happen... crap, it happened."

I'd like to think I'm a pretty clairvoyant person. I'm observant, I'm perceptive, and I like to watch a lot of things -- people and, as follows, their behavior, most especially. It's always been fascinating to me how many different people can react in so many different ways, all depending on their personality. As I got to thinking about this, I thought of the most stupid reactions I've ever seen on screen (it would probably happen in real life too, should the opportunity present itself.)

1. THE WALKING DEAD - Rick's reaction upon discovering Lori's attempt at abortion, and Lori and Shane's affair. I mean, seriously. I get it. I know Rick is, like, Officer Friendly, but there should be a law against someone being that calm, and that kind, and that nice, and that understanding; it makes everyone else look bad in comparison. And aside from that, it enables his whore of a wife and bastard of a bestfriend to indulge in this sort of unacceptable behavior. OK. YOU THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD. WE GET IT. Now shut up about it. I don't know what the writers were smoking when they decided to throw this love triangle into the mix. It seems like they didn't think the zombiepocalypse was enough drama.

2. THE WALKING DEAD - Which brings us to number 2, Dale's reaction to Shane and Andrea sleeping together. Hey writers, stop it. Dale is one of my favorite characters and I believe that he is such a good old man and all that, so stop it with the entire Dale having the hots for Andrea storyline. It was cute when he was more fatherly towards her, but now that you guys are bringing in elements of romance into the picture, it's just not as appealing. And also, why on earth did you have to make Andrea's character so extremely unlikable? It's almost as if there's not one single lovable female character in TWD. Are you guys mad at women or something?

3. BREAKING DAWN - Okay, where to begin? If I were to write about every single thing that annoyed me in this entire collection, I'd have to dedicate an entire series of posts to that and I'm just not willing. Not now, anyways. Maybe when I'm bored or feeling particularly feisty. For now, let's focus on the penultimate film, the first part of the 2-part finale. The first thing that really bothered me was Bella's parents' reaction to their 18 year old daughter getting married. No parent is gonna leap with joy at that. Already, we're off at a bad start. By the way, I'm probably gonna miss a lot of tiny annoying things here, so feel free to wait for another post on that in the future. I'm just trying to check things off the list here. Second, was that really how Bella reacted to having the dream wedding, all expenses paid? Kids, you know it's fiction when you get a gangly teenage girl to roll her eyes over someone wanting her to experience only the best, as if doing it just to humor everyone else. And then we have Jacob, her wolf BFF, howling over his lost love, and picking fights with the bridegroom for wanting to deflower his virgin wife. UHM, OKAY. I'm not even gonna touch on that subject. Next, we've got both Bella's and Edward's reaction to finding out they spawned this demon baby that they're eventually gonna name after the Loch Ness Monster. Oh and did I mention that Bella sorts of treats her new family like maids? And they're happy to play the part? Yeah. That happens.

So there you have it, the first 3 most annoying and bewildering expressions I've found on screen. Stay tuned for part 2!

Mickey Blue Eyes

Is there anyone more charming than Hugh Grant? I'm not gonna lie, I downloaded this movie mainly for him, the catchy title, James Caan, and Joe Viterelli. Plus, I'm a sucker for both rom-coms and mob movies. I remember seeing this back when it was first shown, one of those movies my sisters loved to watch, so it's nice getting reacquainted with it once more.

An art-house auctioneer finds himself getting in deeper and deeper with the mob after learning that his teacher girlfriend is the daughter of a major mobster. Things get worse when a godfather decides to launder his no-talent son's gory paintings through the art house and gets the FBI into the picture. Everything then falls apart when the son is accidentally shot.

High Fidelity

My love for John Cusack has not wane one bit, and to put one of my favorite actors in the movie adaptation of one of my favorite books from one of my favorite authors is something that's sure to keep me happy.

A man discovers that there's more to love than a good mixed tape in this dramatic comedy about music and relationships. Rob (John Cusack), an obsessive record collector in his mid-thirties, is struggling to reconcile his adolescent enthusiasm for pop music with adult responsibilities and a more mature outlook. He runs a record shop with his friends Barry (Jack Black) and Dick (Todd Louiso), who are known to drive away customers whose taste in music doesn't match their exacting standards -- which may have something to do with why the shop is losing money. But Rob's biggest problem is his failing relationship with Laura (Iben Hjejle), a lawyer who needs more out of the relationship than Rob is capable of giving. To Rob's horror, Laura starts dating Ian (Tim Robbins), his upstairs neighbor, known throughout the building for his long and noisy sex sessions. Rob, on the other hand, finds himself catching the attention of singer/songwriter Marie DeSalle (Lisa Bonet), as he tries to deal with his breakup by tracking down his previous ex-girlfriends and taking a fresh look at what he's been doing wrong. Based on the acclaimed novel by Nick Hornby, High Fidelity also features Catherine Zeta-Jones, Lili Taylor, and Joelle Carter as three of Rob's ex-lovers, and Sara Gilbert as Dick's new girlfriend, who gets a crash course in U.K. punk bands that influenced Green Day.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

What Women Want

It's a truth universally acknowledged that everything Nancy Meyer touches is pure cookie-cutter, romance fluff... and it is good. It is chick-lit, lifestyle porn for those waiting to be inspired.


Nick, a somewhat chauvinistic advertising exec hot shot, has his life turned haywire when a fluke accident enables him to hear what women think. At first all he wants to do is rid himself of this curse, until a wacky psychologist shows him that this could be used to his advantage! His first target is Darcy McGuire, the very woman that got the promotion he wanted. But just as his plan is beginning to work, love gets in the way...


To push for more content, I've decided to record each and every movie I watch/ re-watch from here on in. I know that I have a tendency of not following through but I think this should be easy enough for me.

First movie goes to ...


Inventive Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind director Michel Gondry takes a surreal trip through the mind of an introverted but wildly creative man whose attempts to balance his colorful dreams with his stark reality are complicated by the arrival of a beautiful woman into his life. Shy Stephane (Gael Garca Bernal) has returned to his childhood hometown to accept a new job. When the prospective employment offer fails to live up to expectations, however, Stephane is at least comforted by the close bond he has formed with his creative-thinking neighbor Stephanie (Charlotte Gainsbourg). Their blossoming romance finally awakens the sleeping confidence that the withdrawn Stephane was previously capable of displaying only in his dreams, but Stephane and Stephanie find their relationship challenged when lingering insecurities prompt the smitten visionary to confront an old dilemma that can't be solved by the Science of Sleep.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Sharing Is Caring

SHARING IS CARING is a non-profit organization that annually hosts a feeding program and medical mission directed to children of the less fortunate. It is a way for us to let them know and experience the true meaning of Christmas, and at the same time, doubles as a Yuletide good deed.

Every year, Sharing Is Caring will be selling some black shirts with the organization's logo in front, and then the buyer's name at the back. The shirts will be available for Php500 each, the proceeds of which all go to providing for the food and medicine needed. The photo above serves as the prototype for how the shirts will look.

This t-shirt from Paul Smith is basically what inspired this year's design. It is also how the shirts will look, plus the design and name, once printed out.

DATE: Dec. 10, 2011 (Saturday)
TIME: 12:00 - 04:00pm
VENUE: Amang Rodriguez Plaza, 1 Liko St. Barangay Highway Hills (beside Fatima Church), Mandaluyong, Philippines

*We will need as much hands as we can so please feel free to volunteer, bring friends, and spread the word as well!

For inquiries (whether regarding volunteering or t-shirt pledges), please contact:
PHONE: 09178084346 (Look for Andi) or 09052991953 (Look for Charlie)

You can find the Official page HERE and the event page HERE.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Monopoly Drink

So a couple of days ago, my sister's friend, Sam, tweeted how to make monopoly deal into a drinking game. Having nothing else to do, I came up with an ingenious, if I may say so myself, ploy on how to put this into action.

To be the first to monopolize and complete 3 different sets of properties while under the influence of alcohol.

To begin, property cards as well as cash cards are your go-to safe bets. No one has to drink with any of these cards in motion. However, passing one of your three turns will have to be paid for by taking a shot.

Rule 1: Drink for every PASS GO you put down.

Rule 2: Drink with another player for FORCED DEALS.

Rule 3: Make person of your choice drink for SLY DEALS.

Rule 4: Everyone but you drinks whenever it's your BIRTHDAY.

Rule 5: Make person of your choice drink your next shot with DEBT COLLECTORS.

Rule 6: Prevent drinking and make someone else take the shot when you put down a JUST SAY NO.

Rule 7: Make person of your choice drink 2 shots for DEAL BREAKERS.

Rule 8: Make everyone drink 2 shots for DOUBLE THE RENT.

Sounds easy enough to remember, right? Try it out and don't forget to let me know how you fare!

And best of all... have fun, you crazy kids!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Official Boyfriend Application

*This application must be filled out in its entirety in order to be considered for the position that you are applying. Photographs may sway my opinion one way or the other; feel free to attach any that you think may help you gain this position.

*Just a reminder: be completely honest with all of your answers. I will be double checking applications using Google to ensure honesty. Any false information will automatically nullify any chance you might have had. Thanks, and have fun.

1. Full legal name: _____LAST_____ _____FIRST_____ _____MIDDLE_____
2. Age _____ 3. Height _____ 4. Weight _____ 5. Eye color _____
6. Measurements _____ 7. Natural hair color _____ 8. Current hair color _____

9. Home phone ___(____)___-________
10. Cell phone ___(____)___-________
11. Email _________________________________________

12. Are you a virgin? ___ Yes ___ No
13. If no, how many past sexual partners have you had? _________________
14. Have you ever had a sex change? ___ Yes ___ No
15. Do you smoke? ___ Yes ___ No
16. Do you use any illegal substances? ___ Yes ___ No
17. Do you have kids? ___ Yes ___ No
18. If yes, how many? _____________
19. Do you workout? ___ Yes ___ No
20. Do you currently have a source of income? ___ Yes ___ No

21. If yes, what is it? ______________________
22. Do you live on your own? ___ Yes ___ No
23. If no, whom do you currently reside with? _______________________
24. What kind of car do you drive?____________________
25. Furthest level of education (pick one)?
___ Highschool ___ College ___ Associate's Degree ___ Bachelor's Degree
26. Do you have a history of mental illness? ___ Yes ___ No
27. Favorite sport & team? _______________
28. Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend? ___ Yes ___ No
29. Do you cook? ___ Yes ___ No
30. Do you have any siblings? ___ Yes ___ No

31. What is your religion? __________________
32. What is your political persuasion? __________________
33. How many piercings (not including ears) do you have? _______
34. How many tattoos do you have? __________
35. What is your current favorite movie of all time? ______________________
36. List your three favorite genres of music in order of most favorite to least favorite:

37. What is your idea of a perfect date in three sentences or less?

38. Explain why I should pick you as my boyfriend in one sentence:

39. List any special skills that you may have that are relevant to this position:

40. What do you want out of a relationship, specifically one with me?

List the details of your past three relationships starting with the most recent.
Start date: _______________________
End date: ______________________
Were you in love? ___ Yes ___ No
Am I prettier? ___ Yes ___ No
Sexually active? ___ Yes ___ No
Reason for breakup: _____________________

Start date: _______________________
End date: ______________________
Were you in love? ___ Yes ___ No
Am I prettier? ___ Yes ___ No
Sexually active? ___ Yes ___ No
Reason for breakup: _____________________

Start date: _______________________
End date: ______________________
Were you in love? ___ Yes ___ No
Am I prettier? ___ Yes ___ No
Sexually active? ___ Yes ___ No
Reason for breakup: _____________________

Please supply three references (preferably hot male friends) and their phone numbers or email addresses:

I hereby certify that the information given by me in this application is true to my knowledge and I give you the authorization to verify it using any means you deem appropriate. I understand that filling out this form and submitting it for review does not guarantee that I will be chosen.

Date: _______________
Applicant Signature: _____________________________

Download the file HERE.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Milky & Sunny

Yesterday, Jewel and I spent the morning running around the mall on the hunt for some new dresses and sweaters. We raided the racks of Forever 21, Gap, and the Department Store before giving in to our stomachs and getting brunch.

I recently read about this hole-in-the-wall breakfast place in Kapitolyo and so I asked Jewel, who is a fellow foodie, if she'd like to try it out. Being big fans of breakfast, a meal we often miss due to our demanding schedules, we headed on over for nourishment.

This stuff is breakfast foodie gold. Not a lot of places offer breakfast meals from 7am to 10pm everyday and at these prices! I'm sure plenty of trips to M&S will be had by my friends and I.

Jewel with the menu. Can you see just how quaint this place is? Adorable! It's still their soft opening as they've only been open for 2 weeks!

Bacon & Spam Pasta

Tomato, Mozzarella, Pepperoni Omellete

Bannanarama Pancakes

We genuinely loved everything we ordered! It was delicious and the service was fantastic! I'm actually waiting to invite someone right now because there were so many other things in the menu that I wanted to try. And for broke days, I could just have the UNLIMITED CEREAL. That's right. Unlimited Cereal.

Man vs. food and yesterday, food won. Look at those faces! We couldn't finish nor take another bite of the sinfully scrumptious Bannanarama Pancakes. Food coma all the way!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Best Kisses...

... Always take place in the backseats of cars. In New York.

Moving to NY and going to ride the backseat as often as possible now.


Thursday, November 3, 2011

Now Hiring!

"Now Hiring Crushes: The Internet Crush"

Nov. 02, 2011

Job Description: We are looking for an Internet Crush of our preferred sex with an established, regularly-updated social networking presence for whom we will develop an illogical, impossible-to-act-upon crush, which will ultimately make us — the company — feel simultaneously more hopeful and more alone at night, solitary in our rooms, bathed in the soft glow of our computer screen. As the result of the innate human tendency to fill in the gaps of personality- and behavior-related information that online personas by their nature cannot deliver, our own capacity for self-delusion, and the judgment-free comfort, ease and security of flirting online compared to, like, going to a bar and meeting someone, our Internet Crush will be the subject of innuendo-laced Gmail chats and much silent stalking (sorry :/). We might not even get up the nerve to contact our Internet Crush at all; only feel envy toward those who freely retweet and @mention with him or her.

The thing about our future Internet Crush will be that despite the fact that we’ll never really know them, we’ll assume they ‘get’ us and that they are beautiful and sexy and attractive and special. All despite the cold fact that what this person really is is a collection of pictures and text — a storyboard, a picture-book narrative, a hologram, a fantasy. In the rare case that we do end up making contact, or in the rare case that we actually form an online friendship with our Internet Crush, the candidate need not worry — in the deepest recesses of our hearts we are indeed aware that nothing will ever happen; so much expectation and drumming up will scare us away from pursuing any kind of IRL romantic venture. Seems bleak.

Skills: The ideal candidate will have a proven track record of maintaining a stylized and relatable internet social profile that spans from Tumblr to Facebook, and preferably, everything in between. He or she will likewise be fully familiar with internet jargon and appropriate emoticon usage, as well as well-versed in stylized chat methods i.e. lowercase/ uppercase use, effective employment of ellipses, and internet-laugh expertise. The Internet Crush should be able to develop a portfolio of perfectly executed photos of themselves that intuitively matches their status update, Tumblr, Twitter, and blogging styles and, as a portrait, creates a persona worthy of our crush.

Core responsibilities: Daily maintenance of social networking portfolio, appearance in our Gmail chat list.


- Attractive personality/ physical features
- Three-month to year-long commitment
- Practically unreachable unless via flight or medium-length road trip
- Previous experience is preferred
- Maintenance of at least three social networking accounts. Preferred: Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook

Compensation: Hits, a Twitter follow, a Tumblr follow, a Facebook friend request, Facebook status update ‘Likes,’ retweets, @mentions, Tumblr reblogs, Tumblr ‘Likes.’

For consideration, respond to this posting with your resume and cover letter. Calls and drop-ins are not accepted. We are a dog and cat-friendly employer.


The Seasons of Boyfriends

"If Seasons Were Boyfriends"

Nov. 02, 2011

The Summer Boyfriend

The Summer Boyfriend is easy breezy. You can find him on a fire escape at someone’s house party, smoking cigarettes and clutching a sangria. He is the definition of someone you don’t want when the weather gets cold but he’s perfect for the warmer temperatures. You envision him on a beach with the sand in his toes. You see him shirtless and drinking margaritas on a rooftop. The sun hits his skin in the most perfect way and it will be hard for you to not have sex with him every moment of every day. That’s The Summer Boyfriend’s job though—to give you multiple orgasms a day—and the rest is just light and fluffy like clouds. You only like him in June, July, and August. When Labor Day hits, feelings will shift and you’ll feel the need to exit the relationship ASAP. He’ll walk you to the train on the first day you need to wear a cardigan and you’ll know it’s done. The second it gets cold, so do the feelings. “I don’t want to see you in sweaters. I want to see you in a tank top. It’s been real, dude.”

The Fall Boyfriend

The Fall Boyfriend is nice. Too nice. You meet him at school or a cafe and are charmed by his sweetness. You think to yourself, “This is a person I want to drink hot chocolate with and spoon and tickle and listen to jazz or something. We’ll have meaningful conversations, maybe talk about politics, and walk in the park together.” If nothing else, it will feel stable. Ultimately though, you’ll discover that nice wears thin, nice doesn’t pay the love bills, nice doesn’t leave you wanting more, nice doesn’t create desire, nice chops your penis off. Bye bye, Fall Boyfriend. It’s starting to snow.

The Winter Boyfriend

All hail The Winter Boyfriend! Arguably the best of the seasonal boyfriends, the guy you date in winter is a borderline keeper. You’ve usually got to start searching for them in October as they’re at risk of selling out. As you know, no one likes to be single when it’s cold out so get one while you still can. Obligations for The Winter Boyfriend include but aren’t limited to: Letting you develop your own “winter coat” by eating whatever you damn please without a peep, staying in and getting drunk on whiskey together, holding your hand during a blizzard and, last but not least, buying you a nice Christmas present. Winter can be a #dark time for all of us. I pity the fool whose job it is to love me in thirty degree weather.

The Spring Boyfriend

Your Spring Boyfriend resembles the season itself: Gorgeous and quick. You’ll fall for them fast but they’ll be gone before you can say “Can you do that again?” You always want more of spring but you’re never going to get it. You’ll be permanently blue-balled.


A Guide

"A Guide To Going To The Bar Alone"

Nov. 01, 2011

The act of intentionally going to a bar sans others for the purpose of meeting people who might date you is not as easy as it seems. Here are step-by-step instructions. But first…

Why should you go to a bar alone?

Reason #1: You and your four best friends dressed up on a Friday night in a crowded, sweaty bar filled with dozens of drunk bitties is not good odds. Dating is a numbers game. Put them in your favor.

Reason #2: While going to the bar alone is not weird (keep saying it), people don’t traditionally do it, so it will be noted by people who respect confident, interesting folk. These are the people you want to want you.

Reason #3: What do you have to lose? The answer is: the cost of 1-3 beers, pride (if you happen to run into an ex), and time if it doesn’t work out. You’d lose way more than that trolling through after Pad Thai and a bottle of wine on a Wednesday night.

What to do when you get there:

Step 1: Do not tell anyone that you intend to go to a bar alone. They might say “That’s weird,” or, “Do you think that’s safe?” or, “Can I come?”

Step 2: Select a venue that’s guaranteed to be crowded with the stereotypes of your choosing. If you live in a hipster hood but prefer to date Harvard types, be sure to travel.

Step 3: Aim to arrive at a post Happy Hour time on a sensible weekday night. So, Tuesday or Wednesday at 8pm.

Step 4: Sit at the bar (never at a table) and order something respectable (read: not pink). Note: It is critical to tip the bartender well. If the first person who sidles up to chat is a douche, you want the ‘tender in your corner.

Step 5: Engage in some form of banal activity that prompts curiosity but not intimidation. So — yes to notes for the fun, freelance article you’re writing, no to notes for the miserable, required CPA exam you’re taking. Your move is to be casually reading and jotting things down while maintaining a look of coy openness to the question, “Hey, what’s that you’re working on?”

Other options: real estate listings, movie script, book with lots of pictures. Not options: sudoku (nerd), nail polish (priss) your iPhone (too typical).

Step 6: Set a time or drink limit and do not move. Your mantra: this is not weird. Think of the bar as a much-more-fun coffee shop. You would have no problem at all sitting alone at a Java The Hut sipping coffee and reading the paper (if you would, get over it). The bar is just like that but people get drunk, feel bold, and talk to each other.

Step 7: Repeat steps one through six until you meet the person with whom you’ll spend the rest of your life. When people ask you how you met, make something up. Nobody wants to meet the love of their life in a bar.