“You Should Date An Illiterate Girl” ByCHARLES WARNKE Jan. 19, 2011
Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.
Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi, and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale, or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.
Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.
Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail, frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return, or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.
Do those things, god damnit, because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it, I say, because a life in purgatory is better than a life in hell. Do it, because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent as a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, god damnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick.
Do it, because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar; she knows, and rightly demands, that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on, run on well past any point of reason, or purpose, run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence of a life well lived.
Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.
Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are the storytellers. You with the Joyce, you with the Nabokov, you with the Woolf. You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the café, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so god damned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. I hate you. I really, really, really hate you.
Every once in awhile, people surprise you. A friendly smile to brighten your day or a friend you haven't seen nor spoken to in 4 years will turn out as your knight-in-shining armor.
When you find yourself in a difficult position with none of your closest friends being able to help you, you find that there are some things you have to do, like ask an old flame for a favor, no matter how difficult, awkward, or painful it might be. You've managed to stay civil since the falling out, sure, but you never had the chance to rekindle the past or at least keep things friendly enough. Truth be told, it's hard to stay friends with someone you know had the potential to be more. So, you swallow what's left of your pride, and you bite the bullet. You take a shot at asking for a favor. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Message received. He's going to help out. Relief kicks in, followed almost immediately by dread and anxiety. What on earth do you talk about? How do you act? While you nervously await his help, you fumble. You grab at your hair, bite your nails, pace the floor. You go through countless past conversations and memories in your head, and you categorize them into "safe topics" and "topics to avoid." You list down all of your mutual friends and acquaintances, as well as relatives, and you ask how they're doing. Every second feels like an eternity. You wait, and you wait some more.
When you finally get that dreaded call letting you know he's probably there, your voice shakes as you answer. You both scan the perimeter, looking for a sign of each other. Finally, your gaze focuses. You can't even recognize each other anymore. You approach, worry in your eyebrows. "Hi." "Hey." And things fall into place. You revert to your past behavior and you're both completely at ease. Amazing.
The time spent together spans into a lifetime apart and you find the bonding cut short. You feel like you could talk for days. A certain sadness looms in the air.
Then, as a testament to clouds and silver linings, you realize that it was all a blessing. You needed this. This person was the person who never let you down, true, but you also realize that while you still understand why you adored this person, you know things ended up as they should.
Your feelings are intact. A heart up for grabs.
To you, whoever you are, thank you. After 4 years, I could still count on you. After 4 years, you still never let me down. After 4 years, you're still the same person I've always known.
There's nothing more irritating and disappointing than someone who is willing to use the term "friendship" as a means of getting one over the other. Just a few moments ago, I received a message from an old "friend", whom I have not spoken to in years nor have I ever been close to, asking my help for a problem. As I would like to be helped in my time of need, I accommodated her and asked what her plight was and what I could do to help.
While she was informing me of her "unjust luck", I started to get an inkling of what was going on. Even if the story she pulled out of her arsenal was absurd, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and listened. No sooner did she finish her tale did she let it be known that I was the only one she could turn to at this moment. Refusing to believe what she was asking of me, I had her spell out what she needed. She was asking for money. And not just your run of the mill cash loan, she was asking for a lot of money.
After giving her my deepest sympathies and trying to console her, I told her that I couldn't lend her the cash. 1.) I really didn't have that much dough to spare and 2.) I honestly didn't believe her story. I apologized for not being any help and told her that I hoped for the best for her and her family. What surprised me more from our unusual exchange and her strange request was how she reacted. She told me to keep my hope, as I was theirs, because I could but just didn't want to help out. At this point, I was getting annoyed. She was the one in distress and not I, how was this my problem? Still, I talked and tried to explain to her why it was that I couldn't help her. I could use some good karma, anyways. Even after I told her my side, all I received from her was a "Forget it." followed by her logging out.
Un-freakin'-believable. Let's get real, I'm not a very trusting person. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I believe everyone has an ulterior motive. Granted. But even knowing that, I put aside my usual ways and heard her out. Her story was absurd, inconsistent and had a lot of plot holes in them. Still, instead of calling her out on it, I just pretended to believe her and tried to put her down as gently as I could. What does she reward me with? Bitterness and anger. A retort like that won't fly with me, Missy. I know you were trying to con me for some dough. Do you honestly think I'm that much of an idiot?
Written below is our exchange. I removed your name because I still believe in censorship. Don't bother me again or I'll let it out in public.
FRIEND: Hello How are you doing?
ESSA: Hiiiii good (: you?
FRIEND: Am not good at the moment........I and my family are in some deep mess right now
ESSA: I'm sorry to hear that what's wrong?
FRIEND: We're stranded in London,united kingdom got mugged at gun point last night
ESSA: oh wow :| that's terrible
FRIEND: it sucks and scary I was hit on the head but i am getting better
ESSA: Oh, man. Some people are just such douches. Karma will get the better of them. Did you tell the police?
FRIEND: We are freaked out here,have been to the embassy and the police they are not helping issues at all i was ask to come back in three weeks time....
ESSA: oh man that sucks
FRIEND: It was a Brutal Experience but Thank GOD i still got my life and passport saved
ESSA: exactly. Thank God no one was seriously harmed.
FRIEND: Our return flight leaves in few hours to this time and we are having a problem in sorting the hotel bill and get a cab down to the airport...I need your help
ESSA: what can I do?
FRIEND: I need you to loan me some few CASH i promise to refund it back to you as soon as we get back home....
ESSA: how will I though? I'm halfway across the world and I really don't have enough for that. :|
FRIEND: I think you can have it wired to my name via western union All you need is my name and current location
ESSA: banks are closed. It's 1am here. 1:51, actually.
FRIEND: You can have it done online are you with your credit card ??
ESSA: No, I need my parents permission for that.
FRIEND: How soon will you have it done ??
ESSA: I really don't know if I can, because my parents need to know and I doubt they'll allow me to send a lot of cash. I'm really sorry.
FRIEND: How much can you spare me right now ??
ESSA: I really can't. I'm so sorry. Problems with money are everywhere.
FRIEND: Am so embarrassed that you can't help my plight
ESSA: I am to I would if I could I'm really sorry
FRIEND: Ok Just forget it
ESSA: Hoping for the best for you and your family
FRIEND: Not hope you are our hope hope but you insist not helping us...May god judge it
ESSA: That's just being mean. I would if I could. I'm sorry that I can't loan you money that I don't have.
FRIEND: Just forhet it ok
Darling, only an idiot will believe that story and only an idiot would have sent you cash. You're half-way across the world with your parents and they're fine with you asking a friend to loan you that much cash? You. must. be. joking. And that's just the first plot hole there. Don't get me started on the others. If you bother me and try to scam me for cash in the future, I will go to the authorities.
Goodluck getting your ass out of whatever problem you've gotten yourself into, Essa.
[EDIT] Said "friend" has since removed her profile from facebook.
Let's talk about the Golden Globes. The GG is one of the many annual award shows that dedicate itself to making the world's richest and most beautiful people feel better about themselves by giving them awards for being... well, you know. To be sure, it is not something to scoff at. I, myself, tune in every year and I do enjoy it immensely.
So right now, the internet is abuzz with news that Hollywood has gotten itself in a tizzy. Hollywood's finest, including the prestigious Hollywood Foreign Press Association, have found themselves the butt of this year's GG host, the "controversial" British comedian, Ricky Gervais, jokes. Now I'm sure that it is never fun to be placed in a situation where you wouldn't know how to properly respond and react, especially when an entire room, nay -- the entire world -- is staring at you. It's also never fun to be the target of someone's malicious humor. However, when the jibes are meant to induce laughter and not ire, then you're just taking yourself far too seriously.
While I wouldn't go so far as to say that the award shows are pretentious, I do find them rather self-congratulatory. So, Hollywood, here's some advice: Try to laugh every once in a while and don't invite RG back on.
Here are some of my favorite moments from the show:
Tough audience tonight, Ricky. Hahah. I'm laughing more at the awkwardness of the entire thing than at the actual jokes.
Robert De Niro's reaction to the Hugh Hefner joke was also spot on... but I expected that from my favorite man.
Didn't find the Ashton Kutcher-Bruce Willis joke all that funny, but I didn't find it offensive as well.
The intro he made for Tom Hanks and Tim Allen was a little bit funny, but what took the cake was the response made by the two. Game on, Gervais. Game on.
This clip includes lots of bits from the first one but also includes some other jibes.
The Charlie Sheen breakfast joke was hilarious!
The Tom Cruise scientologist comment was amazing... followed closely by RG saying it was fine since he wasn't in attendance.
The "insult" he directed to the president of the HFPA wasn't that funny... nor was it offensive.
The Sylvester Stalone comment was spot-on! We can't deny the stereotype, fellas.
His introduction of Robert Pattinson and Olivia Wilde couldn't have been better.
Chris Colfer's stunned reaction is just heart-warming. Dianna Agron is just ecstatic and Lea Michele couldn't hold back her tears. I'm not sure Chris Colfer deserved the award (not 'cause I think he sucks, but because I think he was in amazing company) but it was a cute moment, nonetheless.
I sincerely think Jon Hamm is the most adorable thing on the planet... but my man, Steve Buscemi totally deserved that award. Boy is legend.
I'm completely guilty for stanning this couple, but Santa Angelina fixing Brad's bow tie put the biggest smile on my face.
Andrew Garfield... you little cutie. Say it with me: Inspiringly.
RG's intro is the cutest and I love how RDJ just rode the wave.
"Aside from the fact that that has been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones, I'd say the vibe of the show has been pretty good so far, wouldn't you?" - RDJ.
RDJ looking for Emma Stone made my entire evening!!!!
"I'm just saying... If I could... I'd give it to all five of you." - RDJ. Oh.Wow.
I couldn't find a video of Aaron Sorkin's acceptance speech, but he gives the most sound advice ever. "Elite is not a bad word, it's an aspirational one." Boom.
Oh, Natalie. I'll always adore you but that little tidbit about your fiance was awkward at best. Too much second-hand embarrassment for you there. Your laugh is a little bothersome as well.
I can't find a video of Robert De Niro's acceptance speech but that was one of the most amazing things on the planet!
This is a gif of a wonderful capture of RDJ being the only one amused during RDN's speech.
Another awesome moment that can not, as of this moment, be found on youtube was RG introducing the lovely Tina Fey and Steve Carell. Brilliant, those two.
We all know of my love for King Firth and here he is dazzling us with his Italian!
There you have it, folks! A few highlights and some of my favorite scenes from this year's GG.
1.) Schindler's List 2.) Forrest Gump 3.) Titanic 4.) Life is Beautiful 5.) We Were Soldiers 6.) Saving Private Ryan 7.) I Am Sam 8.) Bambi (I haven't seen this since I first saw it as a child and it is because the amount of tears shed during was traumatic!) 9.) Dead Poets Society 10.) Sophie's Choice 11.) The Green Mile
I've been so consumed with work lately that it already feels like 2011 is halfway done, when in reality not even 20 days have gone past. To update you all, the short comedy skit I worked on last November 2010 has hit a new comedy high (by this, I mean that people who aren't part of the team will be seeing it soon!) and is being celebrated this Staurday over at JackTV's awarding at the Mall of Asia. Yay team! Unfortunately, the full length feature film we worked on for SM wasn't picked up, but things are looking good as we just wrapped filming and pre-production for an indie short for another film festival. Fingers crossed that this goes over well and for many more busy work days for us.
To tell you honestly, I never considered I'd fall into film making. I've always been passionate about writing, and books were always my medium of choice, but I've loved films almost as much as I love books. Whenever I'd hit a reading rut, I'd turn to the screen to get my fix of wonder and escapism, so it shouldn't have come as quite a shock that I'd enjoy geeking it out with budding film makers. It did though. The stage has been my first love when it came to performing, and I have been quite a snob with television and movie actors, but the amount of work that goes on in the process is truly one of the most wonderful things ever. 12-15 hour work days aside, the bonding, laughter and shameless amount of fun to be had are enough to put someone such as I in a rollickin' good mood. Also, tiring me out completely helps with my insomnia and lack of productivity.
To help get me through the hectic days of running around and having guerilla shoots with the team, I've compiled a list of songs that keep the adrenaline in my body pumping.
CURRENT WORK PLAYLIST:
1.) She's Got You High - Mumm-ra
2.) New York, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down - LCD Soundsystem
Ok, so it would be better had it been 11.11.11 but while I wait those extra couple of months, let me enjoy this tiny miracle. The idea for this wishlist came from LoveSandrine.
On this day, I wish for...
1.) Books, books, and more books! 2.) A bookshelf to hold all of my books; whether present or otherwise. 3.) An exorbitant amount of shoes and clothes! 4.) New ray-ban sunnies and new frames for my glasses! 5.) Travel tickets/ stamps in my passport. 6.) More time with the fam bam. 7.) More work, please! 8.) Savings. 9.) The ability to eat as much food as I want without gaining weight. 10.) Tickets to go and visit the Harry Potter theme park! 11.) A year full of laughter and love.
Don't you just love it when your idols are just as amazing as you thought they would be? Michael's reaction is priceless. You can tell he didn't expect the kid to sing well, and just did it to humor the mom, kid, and audience.
Earlier today, I received a message from a friend I haven't seen nor spoken to in 2 years. There's really no concrete reason as to why we stopped hanging out; we had no falling out, nothing huge happened between us, and there's definitely no bad blood there. We sort of just drifted apart as we got older, and for one of us, busier. You could say life got in the way. While we aren't best buddies, we aren't fairweather friends as well. We just haven't had much to talk about in years. I guess that's what happens when you spend time apart -- you focus on different things and you forget the things you've left behind.
As expected, I was nervous and apprehensive of our coffee date. We have little to nothing in common now and I was afraid that an awkward conversation would drive a wedge further between us. Thankfully, we were able to pick up right where we left off. And boy, do I tell you, I fell in love with her all over again. Yss, I missed you. I'm glad you were the first friend I saw for 2011.
As fortune would have it, another friendly face was around the area and looking for a coffee fix. I invited kuya Paul to come meet us and no sooner than a blink of an eye did he arrive. I introduced the two and they were able to make nice conversation.
Alyssa had to leave since her boyfriend, AJ, just arrived back in MLA from out of town. And then there were two. Not for long though, as my beautiful friend Kyra wanted to get in on the little action, and by action I mean covnersation, we were having.
Ky had to leave at around 2am, but before doing so invited me and kuya Paul to have lunch over at their place on our routine Godparents BBQ. We graciously accepted. Ky went ahead. The boss-man and I were nowhere near tired so we decided to stay for a bit longer.
Overall, the night was splendid! And while my friends and I didn't party it up and stuck to our boring, lame selves and had coffee, we experienced something far more uplifting. So you all can have your champagne wishes and caviar dreams... we'd rather wish for coffee and dream of croissants.