Some days, I feel like collapsing on a heap of pillows in my bed from the sheer amount of stress and exhaustion of having to deal with life's daily curbs and roadblocks. What they forget to teach you in school is how to handle the tiny things that could potentially make or break a situation that you find yourself in. You could be a good person, filled with good intentions, and find yourself in between the proverbial rock and hard place, having to make a tough decision and just closing your eyes and hoping to God that whatever your choice may be, it turns out for the best.
Things don't always turn out as you hope or expect them to, and there's almost always nothing you can do about it. You could be blessed with a calmness that may ultimately help you make the big choices in life, but apart from that, you stand naked in front of a world that is waiting for you to do something humiliating and mock-worthy. There's no cure for this, no medicine that could be taken, drug to be popped. You can't numb the feeling with alcohol or plain indifference. There's no escaping life, much as you sometimes want to.
Do you know that feeling? Do you remember it? When the world stretches so far before you and just seeing it is exhilarating and scary, but it's there. And it beckons. It's calling to you, so clear and so wonderful that it is impossible not to heed it. You know that following the path is dangerous and filled with so many uncertainties but that neither reinforces your decision nor changes it. It's just something that must be dealt with; it can't be avoided. You start to play the hand you're dealt, and you can either bet big and get bigger rewards, or you can play it safe and continue on as you are.
Knowing my nature, it's safe to assume I'm not one to gamble. I tend to play by the rules and keep the road as smooth as possible. I am risk-averse and I do things I'm told. So few of the choices I've made have been centered on realities and truths that I myself hold -- it is almost greatly influenced by something else. It doesn't have to be people, sometimes it could be something as menial as a comforting thought. I've been happy in a way because I am not overly happy. I didn't know any better.
However, as time passed, as have opportunities, I find myself opening up to greater possibilities, far bigger than those I have looked to in the past. I took to writing seriously, far different from the horrid, angst-filled pieces of my youth and I've recently started up a small but profitable business with a family friend. Things have been going really well, and I am damn proud, but at the same time, the toll it has taken rears its ugly head.
The collapse of order has definitely made itself present in my life, and the people around me are paying the price. I feel terrible, even if I know they want to help, but the added weight to their shoulders is not something to take lightly. Whether it be time for friends, extra burden for my family, or something else entirely, I am not one to rest easy knowing that something I have done has caused distress.
However, in work, and life, I have realized that you can't do anything half-way unless you're willing to be half happy. Sometimes, doubts arise.... but you can never second guess yourself. Doubt in all else, but never yourself. The little things that make up the big things are important.... but you have to do what you have to do. Just tread on and do what you think is right. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is churlish to complain when I am so blessed.
The most important thing to remember is... the weight is a gift.
Bask in it.
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