Thursday, January 5, 2012

Another Goodbye

Tomorrow, my sister and niece once again fly off to the Land of the Merlion where they join my brother-in-law, who left last Monday, and where it would take us at least a couple of more months to reunite. The holidays are truly over and a tinge of sadness hangs over the Pamandanan household. I guess goodbyes are something none of us will ever be comfortable with.

It's alright. May our goodbyes never get easy. May we have difficulty with every hug, every walk-away, and every wave. May we cry with every beso. May we never want to leave each others' side.

It stings, but it's a good sting. It reminds us that we love each other that much. It's a proclamation of how we were raised and what we were surrounded with. Another goodbye brings us closer to another hello. And even whilst I type, bile threatening to rise up my throat, tears stinging the back of my eyes, and a hiccup preventing clean breath, I'm happy that after years of knowing that, somewhere, a clock is ticking, cautioning us that our time for now is limited, we still get lost in the madness and we forgo clockwatching. We bask in the glorious company of our loved ones, and we live the lives we want to live. The lives we work to live. The lives we wish we could live everyday.

I once described having to say goodbye to these three people as opening my heart, inserting a blunt dagger, then twisting, and it still feels that way. It still feels like those words don't even begin to describe the pain I feel, the falling of my stomach, and the eventual emptiness that inevitably follows. I still can't think of words that could describe the missing. The wanting to turn to this person and just share a little bit of yourself with them.

I guess it means that there's still so much I have to learn. And while I must live this way, seas apart from being complete, I'll try my hardest to find the words.

For now, I love you guys and I already miss you would have to suffice.

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