Lost

Time check: 4:00am

I don't think I'll ever get over my sister, niece, and brother in law leaving.

 Even now, as I look around the room, I can smell traces of them in the air. It is gut wrenching. I'm thankful they left at such an ungodly hour. In a way, everyone is still groggy from sleep and can't really process this much heartache. Still, the parting was painful. It was shorter than usual, but the downpour and onslaught of tears was overwhelming. It is difficult to breathe with the pain weighing my heart down.

 Mom is showing strength, but she can't rest so she's playing with Mochi. I know she feels the loss. Everyone does. I do.

 Dad is awake and looking for conversation. He misses the noise. Kuya Jap woke to an empty house. He is lonely.

 I can't sleep now. I can't go on as usual, not with traces of them still littered around the house. Toiletries left behind, candies untouched, paperbags strewn all over chairs. I can't rest. So I'll clean.

Another Year, Another Goodbye

Something I wrote on the plane yesterday...

It's painful to leave a place behind, but it's even more painful to leave people you love along with it. This Singapore trip to come see my sister & her family is a little different from my others, thanks in large part to the companionship of my closest friend (and lack thereof, of my usual travel-buddies: other siblings). We packed, we flew, we saw, we hugged, we laughed, we shopped, we experienced, we cried, then sadly, we left.

Ultimately, my posts regarding Singapore all boil down to the parting. I've described it by many ways in the past, and while all are accurate, no words will ever be enough to describe the gut-wrenching, pit-falling, heart-squeezing stab of pain you experience every time you part with someone you love.

I thought today would be easier, and maybe, in some ways, it was. I thought that by leaving early in the morning, with almost no room, no time for stretched-out and prolonged goodbyes, with no bonding moments and memories from that day itself, it would be less painful and less teary. But like ripping off a bandaid, sharp, immediate and instantaneous, the stab of pain is surprising, cutting off your air in that perfect moment of exhaling. You choke on a sob, and flashes of trying to get your head above sea water comes to mind. There is a mad dash and scramble with your composure and just when you think you've reigned it in, your face scrunches up in that ugly crying face that can soften even the hardest of hearts.

I guess that is what happens when you rip off the bandaid before the wound turns into a scab; when you expose the opened, bruised, and scratched tissues of yourself. There is a dark sickly taste of rust in your mouth as the wind glides over the wound. Right now, ripped away long before I am ready, my nose is filled with snot, my eyes look like red saucers or tomatoes, my mouth tastes salty tears, I feel the pang of hurt in my opened heart. But as I fly home, with memories that'll have to do for now, my closest friend sleeping soundly beside me in the plane, and my sister's, brother-in-law's, and niece's voices still fresh in my ear, I take with me the comfort of Drei's words: There are no goodbyes, just see you laters.

So mommy Mai, kuya Vince, and Ally... I'll see you later.

Another Goodbye

Tomorrow, my sister and niece once again fly off to the Land of the Merlion where they join my brother-in-law, who left last Monday, and where it would take us at least a couple of more months to reunite. The holidays are truly over and a tinge of sadness hangs over the Pamandanan household. I guess goodbyes are something none of us will ever be comfortable with.

It's alright. May our goodbyes never get easy. May we have difficulty with every hug, every walk-away, and every wave. May we cry with every beso. May we never want to leave each others' side.

It stings, but it's a good sting. It reminds us that we love each other that much. It's a proclamation of how we were raised and what we were surrounded with. Another goodbye brings us closer to another hello. And even whilst I type, bile threatening to rise up my throat, tears stinging the back of my eyes, and a hiccup preventing clean breath, I'm happy that after years of knowing that, somewhere, a clock is ticking, cautioning us that our time for now is limited, we still get lost in the madness and we forgo clockwatching. We bask in the glorious company of our loved ones, and we live the lives we want to live. The lives we work to live. The lives we wish we could live everyday.

I once described having to say goodbye to these three people as opening my heart, inserting a blunt dagger, then twisting, and it still feels that way. It still feels like those words don't even begin to describe the pain I feel, the falling of my stomach, and the eventual emptiness that inevitably follows. I still can't think of words that could describe the missing. The wanting to turn to this person and just share a little bit of yourself with them.

I guess it means that there's still so much I have to learn. And while I must live this way, seas apart from being complete, I'll try my hardest to find the words.

For now, I love you guys and I already miss you would have to suffice.

Another last...

I've had to say goodbye to my sister, niece, and brother-in-law tons of times, more times than I care to count. Like scratching a scab before the wound beneath has fully healed though, the pain intensifies instead of eases. I've always known that each time I see them, an expiration date looms closer. A little ticking bomb eating at the time. When you're with them, however, time seems to stand still and you forget that the moments are limited and the bonding temporary. That's the way it usually goes when it comes to family - you revert back to childhood behavior and you feel ensconced in your tiny corner of the world where nothing can go wrong, nothing can harm you.

No matter how often I've had to say goodbye to them, it still hurts. It's still one more time I see them leave, and one more time they have to leave us behind. It's still more tears shed and pangs of heartache felt. I still consider myself lucky, when I come to think of it. We fly in and out to see each other as much as we can, and we see each other much more than other families do. This has taught us to spend our years in countdowns. Countdowns to the next big event, or the next time we see each other, or the next time we're complete. I live for moments like those... and the rest of my days are spent in a daze. An in-between place where nothing extraordinary happens.

Still, we must all trudge forward with our lives, no matter how difficult or painful it may be or seem. I write tonight in scattered contemplation of how harsh life may sometimes look. But I write for the present, and I write for the future.

What this post all boils down to is... I love you guys. And I'll miss you. And I can't wait to be reunited.

Heartbroken,
Essa.

Home

Goodbyes are the one thing that never gets old. No matter how many goodbyes you've had, it still stings every time it happens. The human capacity for endurance never ceases to amaze me... most times in a good way, but sometimes in a harsh one. Every time we experience something good, there's that lingering fear of loss. Hidden in the deepest, darkest, corners and crevices of our minds, maybe, but still always present; never gone. It's why we take so greedily moments of true, uninhibited, utter joy. Still, while knowing that this happiness is fleeting, we jump on it every chance we get. Have we all turned to martyrdom? Or is the opposite true -- do we believe so easily that this goodbye is always the last?

I recently got back from another trip to Singapore to visit my sister and her family. While there, we picked up right where we left off. Maybe that's the good thing about family... you're connected at the heart so there's nothing you can do that can ever make them stop loving you. The days were spent laughing and hugging and reminiscing and catching up. By the last day though, a sadness hung in the air. A felt finality for this too short reprieve. An unsung melody. A goodbye.

Our eyes were red from trying to prevent the tears from inevitably falling, our nostrils flared and quivered with the effort to hold them back. You have never known pain if you've never seen a reluctant yet inescapable parting between loved ones. With this though, comes the bliss of knowing that you'll soon be together again. But honestly, even that knowledge won't be enough to console you for the moment.

My sister once told me that the best part of leaving home is coming home. So with that in mind and heart, I impatiently wait for my family to come where there is a surfeit of laughter and an abundance of love... home.

**

Photos:

Gettin' some dinner at the airport.

Constant companions: Drei & ate Iyay

Smoking Lounge. Can you spot me?

John Grisham's The Chamber.

One of the greatest things in the world is waking up to you, Baba.

On our way to Universal Studios. Yay!

Just 3 of the most beautiful ladies in the world.

[NOTE: Photos will be added later on.]

2009 - A Year In Photos

I'm not fond of saying goodbye. The red and swollen eyes, running nose, clutch-each-other-so-tight-neither-of-you-can-breathe hugs, loss for words kind of goodbye. There's always a touch of finality to it. It has never been my thing, and I'm sure all of you can say the same.

Nevertheless, such is life, and all that is left for us to do is move forward, eyes bright and ready for the future, with only our memories as a reminder of time that has gone by. So while we may end another important chapter in the story of our lives, we bring forth with us experience that couldn't have been taught to us by even the greatest minds.

With that said, I'd like to share with you memories of how I spent my 2009 as I close that book and face 2010 with renewed vigor and strength:

Ate Iyay, Ate Blu, Ate Jill, and I welcoming 2009 @ Home.

All bundled up for the cold weather @ higher ground.

Ate Blu & I on our way home from ate Jill's bday dinner.

On my way to Singapore to visit Ate Mai, Tuts, and Ally.

Touchdown!

Reunited @ Singapore soil. Ate Iyay, Ate Mai, Ally, and myself.

Random shot of us during our arrival day @ Singapore

Quite an emotional first day. He he he!

Bgy. Pamandanan sans Kuya Jap (who was taking the photo), Mum, Dad and ate Jill who were unable to come.

Got sick during my stay but battled on!

Back home @ the country club.

Acting all silly at one of my favorite places in the world - the bookstore!

Reuniting with old friends (=

Celebrating dad's birthday @ Astoria.

Posing all funny with none other than Drei, ate Iyay, and Ally!

Goofing around while shopping!

With ate Mai. (:

My mini-me, Allyson, and I while looking for books to purchase!

Ally and 2 of her titas/ aunts: Ate Jill and myself.

Fastfood for breakfast.

The girls (Mack, Joane, Gaia) and I outside the chapel for Rior's wedding.



Waiting to shower the newlyweds w/ petals!

The bestfriend and I on a coffee fix.

Celebrated my birthday w/ a few chosen loved ones @ Baguio!

MAFIA; A fun game of lies & deceit!

Bedroom makeover.

Earl and I being random.


A failed attempt at looking seductive.


On the airport heading to Bora!


Waiting to board...


Checking in at our lovely hotel, the 2 seasons.


Soaking in the sun w/ ate Iyay.


Happy birthday, Miggy!


Captain Awesome and I (:


FRIENDS and I doing all that we can during the aftermath of Ondoy


Relief goods to help tide over the victims.










Who says helping out is a chore?




Met new friends. (:


And retained some old ones. Mack and I having dinner at Claw daddy.


Drei's wicked Halloween birthday!


The best people you will EVER meet!


13 years of friendship.


The Pamandanan kids sans ate Mai.


The mommas and their babies.


Photoshoot w/ one of my favorite people ever! Mack and I being all boho.




Right before going back to help facilitate an event.


Socialized w/ new friends.


Watched my mum perform!


Family first, as always. (:


Working at the ad congress w/ ate Jill.


Being silly w/ ate Iyay.


Waiting for ate Mai and Ally to arrive.


With dad and kuya Jap.


Ah, my darling girl. (:


Kuya Jap trying to commit sororicide.


Meeting @ my aunt's.




Ate Trina's birthday celebration.






Zara's birthday.


Family portrait during Ally's surprise birthday party!


Soph, Mack and I @ Regina's birthday.






Tuff & twisted (:


December bash! Raia, kuya Jap, Mack, Benjo and yours truly.


Christmas w/ the Martinez cousins!






Christmas Eve '09




Mum and I, Christmas day.


'Cause we're big fans of glee!




Christmas dinner


Siblings!!!







Although it pains me to say it, as 2009 has been relatively good to me, I bid it adieu -- with a lump in my throat and a tear threatening to fall from my eye. I say goodbye with fond recollections and happy "in hindsights". As I wave from where I stand, like a mother cheering on her child who is about to venture out into the real world for the first time, I feel both happiness and anguish. Happiness for all that have gone past, and anguish for all that might have come. In retrospect, the year I thought might be cruel, has been lovely. What a pleasant surprise.

"I’ve had to say goodbye more times than I would have liked, but everyone can say that. No matter how many times we do it, even when it’s for the greater good, it still stings. And though we’ll never forget what we’ve given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can’t do is live our lives always afraid of our next goodbye, because chances are they aren’t going to stop. The trick is to recognize when a goodbye can be a good thing, when it’s a chance to start again."
- Betty Suarez

I couldn't have said it better myself.

2010, I'm ready for you.


All my love,
Essa.