In search of the stars

We live in benighted times. And I am, undoubtedly, the most benighted of (wo)men.

For those uninformed, when it comes to dreams, I'm the girl in the know. Writing, Acting, Singing, Traveling -- name it, and more likely than not, I've dreamt about it.

A couple of weeks ago, a spark ignited in me. An all-consuming, terrifying, mind-boggling abyss of certainty -- I don't want to go back to school, I want to pursue my dream. For almost 2 semesters now, I've been staying home, away from where I should safely be tucked (school), and trying to satisfy this love for reading. While I know for sure that it'll never fully be satiated, I tried to dim the burn. For what reason? I can't be too sure. Maybe to help me focus more on studying academics than reading fiction, maybe so I can leave my indolent lifestyle and do something requiring more than just neurons for a change. Whatever the cause is irrelevant now, because instead of killing it, I've only added fuel to the flame.

A couple of friends I've talked to about leaving my studies for good seem to think that I've only set the way to my destruction. In my heart, I know they just don't understand. In my head, I think "well, the path to hell is paved with good intentions..." It's beyond difficult for me to hear this, though I can't be sure if it bruised my heart or my ego. Somewhere inside my vindictive, proud, self, I think "well, you don't know because you're so un-attuned to your own imagination" and I figure they'd go to Hades for such idiotic sentiments. Rationally, I know where they're coming from.

We live in benighted times.

So little oppurtunities are available to college undergrads such as myself, especially if there's a specific field we want to enter. And what's worse is that even less are offered to females having just passed the age of majority. Forget creativity, fuck innovations. What the world is looking for now is a flock of misinformed and easily molded human-bots ready to do at their bidding.

The greatest ignoramuses are borne out of schools. They rear disciples, imitators, and routinists. All new ideas and creative geniuses be damned (not to say that I belong in such number, don't get me wrong)... it is just, I have found that school days are the most dreadful in the span of human existence. They brutally beat out of children all sense of self and common decency. They arrange everything for a child making him unable to produce ideas of his own. What boils my blood the most about having been forced to attend this farcical rite of passage that we call school is that while I was there, not only did they fail to teach me what they professed, but they also prevented me from being educated to an extent which infuriates me when I think of all that I might have learned at home by myself. If attending school has taught me anything, it is that nothing worth knowing can ever be taught.

So in lieu of being able to hone our skills, we are instead brainwashed to limit them to society's standards. "No thinking beyond the box, men; computers do it for us now". "You refuse to kowtow to our demands? Off with your head!"

We live in benighted times.

The world will always punish the few people with special talents the rest of us don’t recognize as real.

It is a shame to live in a world where people have stopped depending on one another, and have started depending on technology.

A world of adult infants, an army of mental midgets. Emaciated brains, anorexic minds.

Information starved,

Essa.

P.S. Forgive the unruly post, it's just one of those days where thoughts fly into my head, leaving me to try and catch them. I just figured I'd blog since it has been awhile.

P.P.S. The correct plural of “ignoramus” is “ignoramuses”. This may sound odd, as the word is from Latin, leading one to think the plural ought to be “ignorami”. But it was never a noun in Latin, only a verb, meaning “we do not know”.

The Awful Reality

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I’d take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven’t figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve fucked yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,
A Recovering Nice Guy

**

Here's a pseudo-response I made to that post about girls screwing up nice guys.

What happened to all the sweet girls?

Well, fellas, the answer is simple: you did.

Again, think back, really hard, to a time you used to have the best girl-friend in the world. She was a sweet girl, and for some reason or another, she enjoyed spending the brunt of her time with you. She liked baking, and always saved some of the lot to give to you as a gift. She'd play video games with you all day long and stuff herself with 8 slices of pizza while she's at it, watch every single one of your games, cheering at the sidelines, armed with a face towel for your sweat, and her ready congratulatory hug, or a sympathetic pat on the back, and even dispense fashion advice whenever you had plans of going out to try and impress the new chick you wanted to claim as your own for the week, while willingly offering a female perspective when you're sick and tired of the cat and mouse game your new prospect was putting you through. All the while, this girl seemed to be devoted to making your life easier.

You probably thought nothing of it at the time - shrugged it off as female prerogative. Girls are famed for having a nurturing nature anyways, aren't they? But then your buddies started noticing that she seemed to be paying special attention to you and they start teasing you for it, putting doubts in your head. You thoughtlessly and crudely deny ever harboring any romantic notions towards this sweet girl, going so far as to claiming you probably never will. After all, she wasn't your type. Maybe she was a little too small, or a few pounds too heavy, or she didn't dress herself well, or she didn't have perfect teeth, or her eyebrows were a little too thick, or her face a little too long or too dark, or wasn't popular enough, or basically fit into the same category as your hot piece of ass during then. She was sweet, modest, a little shy in the company of other people in contrast to the "other girl's" bitchy confidence which appealed to you and intrigued you to no end.

Over time, you and your favorite gal pal drifted apart, as you and your girl of the moment got more serious. Surely, seeing her no longer held any appeal now that you had a girlfriend. Eventually, while you developed a want for a long-term relationship, the sexy, popular bitch you loved cheated on you with another guy better fitting her standards, or became boring, or too controlling, or you realized that she wasn't in it for the long haul. So, now, you’re once again single, and after having searched long and hard, in different kinds of places, for several months, having only encountered the same kind of girls, you wonder, "What happened to all the sweet, caring, serious girls?"

AGAIN, you did.

You ignored the sweet girl. You used her time and affection to fill a gap while searching for seemingly greener pastures. Her love went unrequited. You dismissed her notions of romance as fantasy. You gave more value to the aloof girlfriend over the attentive "just-a-" friend. In time, she grew tired of waiting around for you and decided to move on with her life. She, one day, came to realize that men don't fall in love with girls who remember their favorite color; or bake their favorite pastries; or religiously watch all of their games; or fawn all over them; or hug them just because; or throw surprise parties for them; or talk to them intellectually. She came to the realization that if she wanted someone like you, then she'd have to become like the girls you dated. She probably lost some of the excess weight, learned to dress in a more feminine manner, started to become bitchier, and generally treated other people like shit.

Fact is, she's probably stringing along more guys than your fingers can count right now, not unlike the girl you chose over her back in the day, and in a way, you and your ultimate rejection of her is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the absolute absence of "nice girls" in your life to make you realize that you've missed them and they were the ones you wanted. Sweet, caring, women, if there are still any, can't be found just anywhere, after all.

So, if you're looking for a sweet girl, here's what you do:

1. Build a time machine
2. Go back a few years and try to control your libido
3. Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

There is, of course, the possibility that you still don't want a nice girl, but have just grown tired of the chase; the never-ending, unfulfilling chase. You may just be getting older, developing a gut, losing your looks. In which case, you may be in luck, because the sweet girl you claim to want has, in reality, shed her sweet girl skin and is out there looking to unleash her practiced apathy, resentment, and cynicism onto someone just like you.

If you were a little hotter and a little richer.

So, here's the deal: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve completely fucked this girl over, as well as yourself. It’s time to stop with the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn’t want a sweet girl back then, and she certainly doesn’t fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,
A Recovering Sweet Girl, Essa

Picture This

Picture a living room. A living room alive with laughter and merriment on a somber, rainy day. A living room with 4 kids having nothing to do at home; no way to spend their time. That image in your head was the start of our day.

Out of sheer impulsivity and utter boredom, Drei, ate Iyay, kuya Jap, and yours truly decided to head down to the furniture shop to look at bookshelves and cabinets. I've been looking for bookshelves for the longest time now, so that I may display my books in all their glory - and so that I may turn part of the room into a miniature library of some sort. I found 4 potential shelves, but am truly undecided in that area. Sad because I still haven't picked one and we badly wanted to do something that will occupy the rest of our afternoon, we decided to just get some paint and materials and color my room in a shade that suits me.


Once we've arrived home, armed with paint and determination, we ask our driver and some of the boys to mix the water-based paint while we moved my furniture. The rest of the day was spent with laughter and fooling around. Ate Blu and Kuya JC arrived just as we finished painting the first coat. Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Sev took one of the spare rollers/ brushes and started painting her heart away while kuya JC watched Angus and looked for movies to download in the desktop computer at the upstairs living room (which serves as a sort of common room for us siblings.) Dad arrived soon after and was shocked with the change! Feeling inspired, he agreed to reimburse the expense I spent (awesome!) and to finance the re-painting of kuya Jap's room as well. Still in good spirits, he treated us to a late afternoon snack before heading off.


We start painting kuya Jap's room next Wednesday; when all of us have free time again -- and out of the hundreds of colors to choose from, my brother picked Old Rose to sort of match my Violet Essence. Trust us to be twins until the end.

We'll be heading off to the bookstore now, either to just freeload or purchase books, we still don't know. We Pamandanans are nothing if not impulsive after all.

Happy Camper,
Essa.

P.S. Photos added!

P.P.S. Back home from the bookstore! Went crazy and bought 9 books. Now officially flat broke with bills coming my way in 2 weeks. ARGH!!! Going crazyyyyy. Also, planning a garage sale very soon! Watch out for it!

The Bucket List

In light of the recent death of former Filipino President Cory Aquino, I've decided to make my very own bucket list.



Things to do before kicking the bucket:

1. Write the story of your life.

2. Watch every James Bond film.
3. Sing along in a music store.
4. Build a snow cave.
5. Get in the record books.
6. Travel the world.
7. Run in fancy dress for charity.
8. Blow a month’s wages on shoes.
9. Paint a self-portrait.
10. Bury a time capsule.
11. Leave behind a million dollars.
12. Compose an original song.
13. Plant a tree and carve your name.
14. Go on holiday with no luggage.
15. Have a night at the opera.
16. Become fluent in a different language.
17. Play an elaborate practical joke.
18. Host a cocktail party.
19. Spend Christmas Day helping out.
20. Meditate for 3 hours in one setting.
21. Spend a week at sea.
22. Win the lottery.
23. Skinny dip at midnight.
24. Design an original dress.
25. Spend the night in a haunted house.
26. Make fire the old-fashioned way.
27. Swing through the air on a trapeze.
28. Horse-ride through the surf.
29. Start a mini library.
30. Make your own pasta.
31. Swim with something big.
32. Sleep outdoors watching the stars.
33. Create an online alter-ego.
34. Cook something you’ve grown.
35. Sky-dive.
36. Swim in the ocean.
37. Catch a fish and eat it that day.
38. Brew your own beer.
39. Learn to throw a boomerang.
40. Adopt a baby.
41. Surf and snowboard in one day.
42. Build a tree house.
43. Compete in a ballroom competition.
44. Pash a policeman on New Year’s Eve.
45. Do a Roar & Snore at the zoo.
46. Give a homeless person your lunch.
47. View a house you can’t afford.
48. Hire a house boat.
49. Go trekking, carrying all your gear.
50. Build something that will outlast you.
51. Research your family tree.
52. Go to a bedding store in your PJs.
53. Shave your head.
54. Get involved in a protest rally.
55. Make a crowd sign for the cricket.
56. Leave a love note on a windscreen.
57. Build a giant sandcastle.
58. Blow a kiss to a bikie.
59. Wear fancy dress for a whole day.
60. Spend an hour in a lift.
61. Get your fortune told.
62. Make a baby laugh.
63. Make a snowman.
64. Make love on the beach.
65. Help out at a soup kitchen.
66. Send flowers for no reason at all.
67. Watch the sun rise.
68. Watch the sun set.
69. Make a cake for the teachers.
70. Take the day off on your birthday.
71. Spend Christmas Day in Lapland.
72. Make a heap of autumn leaves.
73. Walk through knee-deep mud.
74. Tell your Mum you love her.
75. Have a night at the ballet.
76. Take evening classes with a friend.
77. Take tap-dancing lessons.
78. Write a letter to your grandchildren.
79. Smile at 100 strangers.
80. Read the plays of Shakespeare.
81. Do a first-aid course.
82. Act on stage.
83. Google yourself.
84. Visit your parents in a limousine.
85. Live off the land for a week.
86. Listen to your iPod right through.
87. Fast for 48 hours.
88. Skip with your kids along the beach.
89. Take a vow of silence.
90. Send a cryptic note.
91. Give blood.
92. Write to your favourite author.
93. Walk a marathon.
94. Contact your childhood sweetheart.
95. Give an emo a big sloppy kiss.
96. Pretend to be invisible.
97. Buy some outrageous sunnies.
98. Wind up a security guard.
99. Send a message in a bottle.
100. Make a kite and fly it.
101. Test-drive a car you can’t afford.

102. Backpack through Europe.

103. Go to a foreign country without a map.
104. Go to a strip club.
105. Get a lap dance.

Will add more along the way, and will strike the ones I've done after finishing them as well. (=

Have YOU ever thought of what you wanted to do before you move on?

Contemplative,

Essa.