Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Awful Reality

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I’d take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven’t figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve fucked yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t fucking want you, now.

A Recovering Nice Guy


Here's a pseudo-response I made to that post about girls screwing up nice guys.

What happened to all the sweet girls?

Well, fellas, the answer is simple: you did.

Again, think back, really hard, to a time you used to have the best girl-friend in the world. She was a sweet girl, and for some reason or another, she enjoyed spending the brunt of her time with you. She liked baking, and always saved some of the lot to give to you as a gift. She'd play video games with you all day long and stuff herself with 8 slices of pizza while she's at it, watch every single one of your games, cheering at the sidelines, armed with a face towel for your sweat, and her ready congratulatory hug, or a sympathetic pat on the back, and even dispense fashion advice whenever you had plans of going out to try and impress the new chick you wanted to claim as your own for the week, while willingly offering a female perspective when you're sick and tired of the cat and mouse game your new prospect was putting you through. All the while, this girl seemed to be devoted to making your life easier.

You probably thought nothing of it at the time - shrugged it off as female prerogative. Girls are famed for having a nurturing nature anyways, aren't they? But then your buddies started noticing that she seemed to be paying special attention to you and they start teasing you for it, putting doubts in your head. You thoughtlessly and crudely deny ever harboring any romantic notions towards this sweet girl, going so far as to claiming you probably never will. After all, she wasn't your type. Maybe she was a little too small, or a few pounds too heavy, or she didn't dress herself well, or she didn't have perfect teeth, or her eyebrows were a little too thick, or her face a little too long or too dark, or wasn't popular enough, or basically fit into the same category as your hot piece of ass during then. She was sweet, modest, a little shy in the company of other people in contrast to the "other girl's" bitchy confidence which appealed to you and intrigued you to no end.

Over time, you and your favorite gal pal drifted apart, as you and your girl of the moment got more serious. Surely, seeing her no longer held any appeal now that you had a girlfriend. Eventually, while you developed a want for a long-term relationship, the sexy, popular bitch you loved cheated on you with another guy better fitting her standards, or became boring, or too controlling, or you realized that she wasn't in it for the long haul. So, now, you’re once again single, and after having searched long and hard, in different kinds of places, for several months, having only encountered the same kind of girls, you wonder, "What happened to all the sweet, caring, serious girls?"

AGAIN, you did.

You ignored the sweet girl. You used her time and affection to fill a gap while searching for seemingly greener pastures. Her love went unrequited. You dismissed her notions of romance as fantasy. You gave more value to the aloof girlfriend over the attentive "just-a-" friend. In time, she grew tired of waiting around for you and decided to move on with her life. She, one day, came to realize that men don't fall in love with girls who remember their favorite color; or bake their favorite pastries; or religiously watch all of their games; or fawn all over them; or hug them just because; or throw surprise parties for them; or talk to them intellectually. She came to the realization that if she wanted someone like you, then she'd have to become like the girls you dated. She probably lost some of the excess weight, learned to dress in a more feminine manner, started to become bitchier, and generally treated other people like shit.

Fact is, she's probably stringing along more guys than your fingers can count right now, not unlike the girl you chose over her back in the day, and in a way, you and your ultimate rejection of her is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the absolute absence of "nice girls" in your life to make you realize that you've missed them and they were the ones you wanted. Sweet, caring, women, if there are still any, can't be found just anywhere, after all.

So, if you're looking for a sweet girl, here's what you do:

1. Build a time machine
2. Go back a few years and try to control your libido
3. Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

There is, of course, the possibility that you still don't want a nice girl, but have just grown tired of the chase; the never-ending, unfulfilling chase. You may just be getting older, developing a gut, losing your looks. In which case, you may be in luck, because the sweet girl you claim to want has, in reality, shed her sweet girl skin and is out there looking to unleash her practiced apathy, resentment, and cynicism onto someone just like you.

If you were a little hotter and a little richer.

So, here's the deal: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve completely fucked this girl over, as well as yourself. It’s time to stop with the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn’t want a sweet girl back then, and she certainly doesn’t fucking want you, now.

A Recovering Sweet Girl, Essa

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