"All I ask is that you pick up your shit so you don't leave your bedroom looking like it was used for a gang bang. Also, sorry that your girlfriend dumped you."
"Well, what the fuck makes you think Grandpa wants to sleep in the same room as you?"
"No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry."
"Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?... Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good."
"Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks like a pile of shit."
"Are you wearing perfume?... Son, there ain't any cologne in this house, only your mother's perfume. I know that scent, and let me tell you, it's disturbing to smell your wife on your thirteen-year-old son."
"Well, I'll just say it's never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you."
"I'm sorry I had to be so hard on you, but I don't want people thinking you're a lying sack of shit. You ain't. You're a quality human being. Now go to your room, you're grounded."
"Listen, I know you hate playing with that chubby kid because his mom's a loudmouth, but it's not that kid's fault his mom's a bitch. Try to be nice to him."
"There's chips in the cabinet and ice cream in the freezer. Stay away from knives and fire. Okay, I've done my part. I'm going to bed."
"You always have the right to be an asshole -- you just shouldn't use that right very often."
"No, I'm gonna stay home. You can take a family vacation, and I'll take a vacation from the family. Trust me, it'll make both of our time more enjoyable."
"Snausages? I've been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they're delicious. I will not be shamed by this."
"Remember that face. That's the face of a man who hates himself."
"Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom."
"You got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one."
"Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens."
"Nobody likes practice, but what's worse: practicing, or sucking at something?... Oh, give me a fucking break, practicing is not worse than sucking."
"What in the hell is the matter with you? This is the third time! You know, at this point I think it's the neighbor's fault... No not really, it's your fucking fault, I'm just in denial right now that my DNA was somehow involved in something this stupid."
"No one wants to lay the guy who wouldn't lay himself."
"Yeah, democracy ain't so fun when it fucks you, huh?"
"People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen."
I just finished reading Justin Halpern's new non-fictional novel, Sh*t My Dad Says. What started out as a twitter page by 28 year old Justin Halpern dedicated to random statements and words of wisdom his character of a father spews out has now turned into a New York Time's bestseller.
I have to say, never have I laughed so hard in one novel. The relationship and bond enclosed in those pages tug at the heart and is a must read, especially for children who share close connections to their father (which should, as a matter of course, be everyone).
In this heart warming novel, Justin chronicles the random musings of his father coupled with anecdotes of the time he said them. We see how Justin and his 2 brothers were brought up, and how they came to be the people they are today because of their father and his undeniable (tough) love for them.
If you want to read more hilarious quotes from Justin's father, Sam, go to Shit My Dad Says @ Twitter